When Changes Threaten a Relationship

All relationships go through stages and change over time. Each person in the relationship changes, and the dynamic between the two people transforms, too. What attracted us to a partner or friend might start to repel us. Our friend’s problematic personality traits might become more prominent, and we might become less patient. Changes in each person’s health are also likely to affect relationships. A married couple might have vowed to remain together and faithful to each other through sickness and health, yet when the time comes to deal with health crises, the stress can pull them apart. Fortunately, there are several actions you can take when changes threaten a relationship.

Accept That Change Happens

Change happens. It’s a part of life you can’t avoid. Even where you are right now has changed since you first sat down—for example, the light may be different because the sun moved. You are changing, too. While we can’t see or feel it, our bodies are continually experiencing the death and birth of cells. Much as we’d like to believe we can control whether or not we or our circumstances change, that’s not always the case.

If you resist change, it may be that you tend to be pessimistic and think that if change happens, it must be bad. You might also be very uncomfortable with uncertainty. You can learn to accept that change is always happening, often without any influence from you, and it isn’t always bad. Take some time to reflect on unexpected changes outside your control that turned out to be beneficial for you. And trust that you can befriend change and work with it to improve situations.

Accepting that a relationship has changed rather than resisting that truth is the first step in either improving your relationship or letting it go.

Acknowledge Change Out Loud

In any relationship, you have to be able to share with the other person what you’re feeling and experiencing. For many of us, this is easier said than done. In avoiding a difficult conversation, people suffer silently. They feel trapped but also helpless. They want the relationship to change back to what it was, which may not be possible. They want to believe that the relationship can improve on its own. They might believe that fixing the problems they’re having with another person isn’t possible. 

When a relationship is draining you, causing you sorrow or frustration, making you angry, or leading you to remain silent but resentful, you have to speak up and acknowledge that something has changed. Then, you have to be willing to listen to what the other person has to say.

Practice Sacred Listening

Many people avoid acknowledging that something has changed in their relationship and resist talking about it. They don’t want to hear anything negative or be criticized. However, by practicing sacred listening, they set the stage for the other person to choose their words carefully and not rush to express themselves. The fear of being interrupted or contradicted can make people hurry to tell their side of the story. In doing so, they might not be as sensitive as they would otherwise. Sacred listening means practicing silence while the other person speaks. It involves listening attentively without distracting yourself (put down your cell phone!) and only interrupting rarely to ask for clarification. As much as you want to speak your piece, you have to be willing to listen if you want to improve the relationship and communicate effectively and productively about what has changed, how the two of you feel, and what you want to do going forward.

Be At Peace with Differences

After the honeymoon is over in any relationship, the original enthusiasm we had for building a connection with the other person can wane as we learn more about them. Before, they were perfect. Now, we see flaws. Sometimes, the flaws are the very qualities we admired in them before! If we can look at our differences through a new lens, we might see that they can be neutral or even positive. The very organized, meticulous partner can help the more free-spirited partner to become more responsible. The more free-spirited partner can help the very organized, meticulous one to loosen up and enjoy life and its surprises more. The question is, did the other person change, or did our perspective on them change? Could we shift again to appreciate our differences with this person?

Look at Your Patterns in Other Relationships

As time goes on, we can choose to remember that we’ve had relationships with others all of our lives before we started having problems in a current relationship that’s causing us suffering. Any magic we might have felt as a result of romantic feelings or starry-eyed optimism about the perfect friend, boss, or in-law can give way to uncertainty about how we feel. That change can threaten the relationship.

When that happens, we can look at some of our other relationships that have influenced who we became and try to spot any patterns. Do we become disillusioned with people after our first disagreement with them and use that as an excuse to pull away before they can pull away from us? That pattern is common in people who have abandonment issues. Do we become clingy after the honeymoon, terrified that the wonderful, even magical feeling of connection we had at first will never return? That pattern is typical, too. 

Simply recognizing patterns can lead to productive conversations with the person we’ve started to disconnect from or judge after they seemed to change in ways we don’t like. That’s because when we’re willing to look at our patterns in other relationships, it’s easier to see our role in our current relationship troubles, own them, and address them rather than deny them and feel helpless, hopeless, frustrated—and disappointed with the other person.

When change threatens a relationship you value, give yourself time to gain clarity about what has happened, why it happened, and what you want to do next.

A version of this article appeared in Om Times.

To learn more about recognizing patterns that aren’t working for you, you might want to explore my workbook, Go Within to Change Your Life, as well as my other books.