Use Your Words, Choose Your Words

At times, other people’s behavior toward us can be frustrating, hurtful, or even infuriating. We teach our children to “use your words” instead of reacting physically, even violently, toward others. But as adults, we not only have to use our words but choose our words, carefully, when we’re upset. Doing so can be difficult if there’s no space in which the self who is rational and observant can notice what’s happening and consciously choose an appropriate reaction.

If you can learn to create a momentary pause before you respond verbally to a situation, you might find that your word choices support healthy and helpful communication more than they would otherwise. You can create this pause by training your brain over time using meditation, which will allow you to slow your emotional reactions and experience them as less intense. Then, the self who can stand back from the situation and observe what’s happening will be empowered to select words that will effectively resolve the conflict, set a boundary, or both.

What should you do when someone is saying something hurtful, disrespectful, or cruel? Look back at any situations where your response made you feel good about yourself and your choice. What words did you choose? What response did you get from them?

Now think back to a time when you aggressively defended yourself with your words. What was the effect and outcome? 

If you’ve ever responded to an uncomfortable confrontation by walking away rather than speaking up, how did that feel? How did the other person respond? Were you satisfied with the outcome of the interaction?

Postponing the conversation to another time, when the other person is less angry or upset, can be a good choice. However, many people make that decision but never follow through and remind the other person of the unresolved conflict so it can be worked out. Has that ever been true for you? If you didn’t try to resolve the conflict, why was that? Did you fear you wouldn’t be able to find the right words to both express yourself and alleviate any tension between you and the other person? Did you fear losing your temper or having the other person lose theirs? If you did come back to finish the conversation, did you use words that helped you stand up for yourself, speak your truth, and resolve the conflict without you or the other person losing control or hurting each other? 

Sometimes, people will respond to conflict by choosing words to placate the other person, hoping to calm them down, but they end up swallowing the words they want to say that express how they’re feeling and what their needs are. Not speaking up for yourself contributes to a relationship that has less emotionally intimacy and trust. 

Consider experimenting with different responses the next time you’re in an uncomfortable conflict with someone. For example, when you feel criticized, you may fall into a familiar habitual response, but are you aware of your other options? Some aren’t the best choices: You can criticize the other person in return, try to convince the other person that the criticism is invalid and unfair, or say nothing, feel hurt, and quickly end the conversation. You could crack a self-effacing joke, but what would that accomplish besides making you feel less tense? You could respond passive aggressively, criticizing them in such a way that it’s hard for them to know whether you’re serious or joking but hurting their feelings nonetheless, but I wouldn’t recommend that. You could also say, “Hmm, I’ll have to think about that.” If that was your response, what would the result be?

Keep in mind that the options for response that make you feel powerful in the moment might not be the ones that make you feel powerful and good about yourself later. As you look back at your choice in the past, what responses have made you feel strong in the moment but also after the conversation has ended? Are there any you’ve been proud of? If not, what response would make you feel proud and strong?

While it may not feel natural at first, you might want to respond to a conflict by simply stating what you’re experiencing. You might say, “When you tell me I don’t have a clue, I feel angry and hurt. Is that your intention?” or “I don’t appreciate your instantly dismissing my idea, and see what the other person says. Even if you feel they’re deliberately trying to provoke you, offer them the benefit of the doubt. You might see them back down or apologize. They might make excuses for their behavior. Let yourself be curious and get more information. If the other person continues to berate you or disrespect you, you can choose to set a boundary and state what you’re doing. “I’m not having this conversation when you’re yelling at me” and “I’ll finish this conversation with you later when you can have it without calling me names” are statements that set good boundaries with others. 

As you become more conscious of your reactions to people who upset you, you’ll find it easier to react to conflicts by making conscious choices that you feel good about. These may be different choices from what you’re used to, and they may feel unnatural at first. However, if you sit with them afterward and get in touch with your thoughts and feelings, you might decide you’ll stick with those choices even if you suspect they’ll continue to feel uncomfortable and unfamiliar for a while.

Use your words, and choose your words wisely, so you can achieve your goals in relationships with others and support your best possible psychological well-being. 

A version of this article appeared in Creations magazine.

You can learn more about transformation and how to change your story and your life by reading my books, including my newest book, Go Within to Change Your Life. They’re available at bookstores everywhere.