The Power of Sacred Listening

Sometimes, when we’re listening to someone who is confiding in us, they begin shutting down. They seem to know we are not truly tuned in, not exercising the power of sacred listening.

Sacred listening has qualities that ordinary listening lacks and has three core elements: respecting people’s autonomy, respecting their emotions, and properly timing your listening and talking.

Sacred listening respects people’s autonomy.

The person confiding in you might not need your solutions, observations, and interpretations of events. Even if you’re in an authority position, consider the value of supporting this person’s process of coming to understand their experience their way, making a decision on their own, and taking action without you telling them what they should do.

Sacred listening respects people’s emotions.

Years ago, as part of my psychological training, I listened to a recording of a man having a conversation with his wife. She was talking about some experiences that had bothered her, and every once in a while, her husband would make an observation about what she said or offer a suggestion he thought would be helpful.

As I listened, I could hear the wife was becoming increasingly annoyed with her partner.

“I know you want to help,” she eventually said to him, “but I don’t want your advice. I just want you to be quiet and listen.”

She was expressing her emotions as she spoke, and she clearly didn’t want someone to take her out of them by pressuring her to be analytical or correcting what she was telling him so that it was factually accurate.

Like this woman’s husband, you might feel tempted to advise someone or tell them you know how they feel. In my experience, saying “I feel your pain” or “I totally get it” can sometimes come off as presumptuous. You’re not them and can’t truly know how it feels to be them at this moment.

So, as you practice sacred listening, be mindful of the nature of your responses. Are you clarifying? Exploring? Agreeing? Interpreting? Letting them know you’ve heard them?

When I was a practicing psychotherapist, I sometimes said to a client, “I hear you. That sounds really tough.”

Mirroring someone’s words can be helpful, too. If they say, “I was so irritated when that happened,” you can say, “Yeah, I imagine how irritating that would be.”

The semanticist, linguist, and English professor Samuel Hayakaway, PhD, wrote about how language can bridge a gap between people. If someone’s looking out a window at the rain, there’s no practical need to say, “It’s raining.” They can see that. However, making the statement expresses a desire to connect with the other person. You might want to think about whether it’s better to connect by asking a question, making an observation, restating something they said and asking if you heard them correctly, giving a suggestion, or simply listening.

Sacred listening means properly timing your listening and talking.

My job as a psychotherapist was to listen, listen, and then, when I had listened for a long stretch, to listen some more. I made observations and asked questions, particularly for clarification. Sometimes, I would offer an interpretation, tying in what my client was dealing with at the moment to what was going on between us in our work or what they experienced in the past when they felt the same emotions or were in a similar situation. I might have commented on what some people do in situations like theirs or pointed out choices the person might not have considered. However, I tried to be very discerning about what I said and the intention behind my words.

You might find yourself bored by what someone is telling you. You might even feel frustrated or irritated. Your best might be offering someone the gift of your sacred listening rather than changing the subject, giving advice and suggestions, or making an observation that might not go over well.

Sometimes, people confide in us because they need someone to simply listen. I once asked a Jungian analyst what he thought he did that was most helpful for his clients. “I guess I’m pretty good at hanging in there,” he said.

Do you hang in there?

Sacred listening demonstrates to others that you value them and what you have to say. That can help them find the courage to confide in you.

When they’re finished confiding, they might be much more open to your insights and ideas than they were before.

If they withdraw from you out of embarrassment, you might:

Thank them for trusting you enough to be vulnerable with you.

Reassure them that you value them and your relationship with them.

Offer to do more sacred listening if that’s what they need.

While they might continue to keep their distance, they might recognize that their trust in you is warranted. They might come to you again someday, perhaps for guidance or help working through a solution to a challenge they’re facing.

As humans who seek connection with others, we talk, and we listen. Mindful discernment can help us use those tools more effectively.

When trust is lost

Someone who has confided in us might end up withdrawing from our lives, perhaps because they’re embarrassed to have let their guard down and revealed so much to us. Now, they’re wary of interacting with someone who knows their secret. However, maybe how we listened or didn’t listen made them somehow feel condemned or judged, even if we didn’t consciously try to make them feel that way. If we offered any well-meaning but unsolicited advice, we might have caused them to resent us. We might have lost their trust because we didn’t exercise the power of sacred listening.

No matter the reason this person withdrew from us, we can decide to become more aware of the quality of our listening and practice sacred listening as part of respectful communication. Doing so can strengthen our relationships and others’ trust in us.

Sacred listening happens when you recognize the inherent worth of the other person.

To show respect for someone, offer them your time and attention rather than treating their words as disrupting your busy day. Don’t approach a conversation with the desire to compete with them or prove who is wiser or has suffered more. Don’t impatiently wait for them to pause so you can one-up them with your own tale of woe. Don’t rush to express that you think their feelings are wrong and their actions misguided. Leave judgment out as you listen attentively, honoring that person’s inherent worth.

If you are practicing sacred listening, you might end up offering the other person ideas for action or an alternative way of looking at a situation, but if you do, it’s not because you want to tell them to do things your way. You keep their best interests in mind and deliver your words with humility, unattached to whether they follow up on your suggestions or see things your way. You might decide together to agree to disagree on something, maintaining respect for each other.

When it’s your job to give advice

Of course, giving advice at times may be your job. If you’re a boss, you’d be remiss if you didn’t help your employee know what you want them to do, given the circumstances. A parent must guide their children. Similarly, sometimes, a clinical psychologist or analyst may feel they have to advise their clients or at least offer them important information and warnings.

Even when you intend to give advice or suggestions, start by listening without interrupting. And don’t mentally check out as you try to think of what to say. Remain tuned in to what the other person is communicating verbally and nonverbally.

Pause and observe what unfolds.

A long pause once someone stops speaking might open a door to a deeper revelation from them. Maybe this person is able to come up with a solution of their own, one that could be better than yours. By giving them the space to talk through a problem, you’re sending the message that you are there for them, supportive but not insistent on rescuing or controlling them. Pausing honors the other person’s need to take time to process what they feel and think.

Remaining focused and patient will help you to practice the power of sacred listening. Try it more often with people and see whether the quality of your relationships changes.

As humans seeking connections with others, we talk and we listen. Mindful discernment can help us use those tools more effectively.

A version of this article appeared in Unity magazine.

For more about sacred listening and other tools for transformation, check out my books, including my newest book, Go Within to Change Your Life.