If You Dislike Giving or Receiving Gifts

If you dislike giving or receiving gifts, there could be any number of reasons you feel that way. Whatever they are, you can learn to feel more comfortable about this important element of many relationships, including partnerships and marriages, friendships, and grandparent/grandchild relationships.

When You Dislike Gift-Giving

One reason you might dislike giving gifts is that you worry that your gift be something the recipient wants or likes. If you are not as tuned in to the other person as you would like to be, you might find yourself increasing the number or cost of your gifts out of fear that they won’t be appreciated otherwise. Parents and grandparents might be competitive about who is the best gift-giver in the eyes of their children or grandchildren. Stress over gift-giving can create a sense of resentment at the expectation that the gift be “just right.” The expectation might be the recipient’s, but it might also be the giver’s.

When You Dislike Receiving Gifts

Some people dislike receiving gifts. They might believe that they are undeserving of presents. They might worry that their response will disappoint the giver because they won’t necessarily be able to muster a broad smile and expression of happiness upon opening the gift. If what they receive happens to be something undesirable, or a duplicate of something they already have, they might worry about having to pretend they are excited about the present. 

Stress about a Gift Exchange

Sometimes, people give gifts with the expectation that the other person will give them one in exchange. If the recipient doesn’t feel comfortable spending a certain amount of money on a reciprocal gift or has no idea what gift to buy the other person, they might inwardly sigh at what they see as an unpleasant obligation foisted on them. That might be the case even if they like the gift itself. 

Anxiety, Guilt, and Disappointment about Gifts

I have found both gift-giving and receiving can bring up anxiety, guilt, and disappointment. I remember an air of tension in my childhood home whenever my brother and I would sit side by side as we ripped open packages under the Christmas tree, excited about what surprises lay under the wrapping, only to find socks and shirts our practical stepmother had chosen for us. My feeling of having to please the gift-giver with appropriate excitement and gratitude still lingers for me.

Choosing that someone will like, given their interests and what they already have isn’t easy. We can do our best to find the perfect present only to discover that it wasn’t right after all. Excessive worry about choosing what to give, and getting it exactly right, can make us forget that it’s the thought that counts. People tend to appreciate a gift-giver’s genuine commitment to pleasing them by generously giving them something the giver thinks the recipient will like.

The Best Gift

What is the best present you can give or receive? Many would say it is someone’s presence and willingness to listen to them without judgment or interruption. As a child, I enjoyed my grandmother’s present of baking cookies with me and my grandfather’s present of taking me fishing. Those special gifts made me feel seen, heard, and loved.  

Occasions such as birthdays and holidays might inspire a gift-giver to try to make up for neglecting their relationships. A recipient who picks up on the gift-giver’s attempt to redeem themselves might be upset and wonder why, once again, they are receiving a wrapped object instead of what they most want: the gift-giver’s time and attention.

If you feel strongly that you want someone to have a gift to unwrap, you might want to consider making a booklet of coupons that the recipient can exchange for your time and attention. You might also simply write out a promise for a special event or evening, place it in a box, and wrap your gift.

Really, It’s the Thought That Counts

As a gift recipient, when you think about the gift-giver’s intentions, you might feel your appreciation for the gift grows and overshadows your sense of awkwardness about receiving it. That might be true even if the gift is one you don’t particularly like. And when you remember the reason for your giving someone a gift (for example, that you want them to know you value them), it will be easier to avoid perfectionism about whether your present is a good match for the other person’s interests and wishes.

Reflective Questions on Why You Dislike Giving and Receiving Gifts

If you feel anxious when you try to choose gifts for others, fearing that the gift isn’t “just right,” you might want to answer the following questions to reduce your stress around gift giving.

Regardless of whether your gift to someone is “just right” or not, do you trust that it will still be appreciated? 

Regardless of any other gifts you might bestow upon the people you care about, how could you give them the gift of your time?  

Regardless of whether a gift to you from someone is “just right” or not, do you typically feel a sense of appreciation? 

If there are times when you don’t feel grateful after receiving a gift, why is that? What are the circumstances that make you feel unappreciative?

What would the consequences be if you mentioned to the people who typically give you gifts the types of gifts you truly desire?

How do you feel about those consequences? 

If you sometimes feel uncomfortable receiving gifts you like, why is that? For example, do you feel undeserving of presents?

How might you accept a gift without worrying about reciprocating? 

How might you simply accept a gift for what it is and feel gratitude for it?

If you’re willing to give yourself the gift of freedom from stress around gift-giving, consider closing your eyes, meditating, and asking your stress, “Why do you show up when I give gifts?” or “Why do you show up when I receive gifts?” Wait for the answer. Then, ask these two important follow-up questions: “What do I need to give up to be less stressed about giving and receiving gifts?” and “What do I need to take in to be less stressed about giving and receiving gifts?” If you access your unconscious to learn more and to get help releasing something that’s problematic for you and bringing in something beneficial, you may find you no longer dislike giving or receiving gifts.

A version of this article appeared in OM Times magazine.

You can learn more about transformation and how to change your story and your life by reading my books, including my latest, Go Within to Change Your Life. They’re available at bookstores everywhere.